Safe First Meetings

The following is a list of rules and suggestions for a submissive to make a safe first meet with a Dom/me that they have met online, or by phone. Most of the suggestions work perfectly well for a Dom/me to meet a submissive the first time too. It sounds paranoid, but it’s all about safety. Every time we meet someone new, we’re playing Russian roulette. There is no way to avoid that, but we can decide how many bullets are in the chamber by making ourselves as safe as possible.

  1. Always assume the person you are meeting is potentially dangerous. Don’t listen to other list- or chat room-member’s opinions on the person, as most of them have never met this person in the flesh either. Use your intuition. If the meet feels wrong, don’t even go.
  2. Do your homework. Ask for a photo, a licence plate number, his home phone number and his real name. Check Canada.411 online to see if the information matches.
  3. Meet at a well-lit, open-concept location. Coffee shops are great because police frequent them. If at all possible, meet during the day, and avoid places with dark parking lots. If you do meet at a restaurant, arrive early and explain to the waiter/waitress that you are meeting someone for the first time, and ask if they would be good enough to alert the police if you are having problems.
  4. Make your own arrangements for a ride. Don’t rely on someone you don’t know, have never met in person, and may not trust or like for a ride home. Public transit is not good enough, because it is VERY easy to be abducted from a bus stop or subway. If you don’t have a car, arrange for a ride, or take a cab. In fact, a great way to escape from a bad meet is to arrange for a cab to arrive at your meeting place for you an hour after you arrive. If everything is going well, go out and tip the driver and tell him you’ll call later. If the meeting is going badly, get in the cab and don’t look back.
  5. Make arrangements for a safe call. It is vitally important to have one. Your safe call should be someone you know, in real life, not from a chat channel or on the list. You should be able to trust this person with your real name, real phone number, address, the licence plate number of your car, the location of the meet you are heading to, and as complete an itinerary of the evening as you can. If you don’t trust the safe call enough to give them this information, don’t even bother asking them. Arrange a “green light word” and a “red light word.” These are words you can use in a phone conversation to alert your safe call as to whether things are going well, or are dangerous. Make sure they are words that won’t tip off a potentially dangerous person if they are listening to your cell conversation. If you use the green light, all is well, and you will call again at the agreed upon time. If you use the red light, the safe call should send the police to your meeting place immediately! The use of the red and green lights are important because if someone is preying on members of the BDSM community, they are probably quite aware of safe calls. They may FORCE you to make a safe call after they have abducted you, to give them the time to do what it is they want to do. See the Safe Call Form.
  6. Do NOT play on a first meet. This can be the hardest rule to live by, especially if you are driving long distances to meet someone you have been courting for months online. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. If you are planning on building a long-lasting relationship with the person you are meeting, rather than having a one-night stand, and the person you are meeting feels the same way, they WILL meet with you again, and WILL talk to you more before setting up a play session. The main reason for this rule is that while you’re having coffee, if things start to feel wrong, you can leave. You can’t do that if you’re tied up. Use your intuition and listen to your feelings.
  7. If possible, bring along a chaperone. Don’t even let the person you’re meeting know that he (it is best to have a large, intimidating male here, or a group of females) is there. Have your chaperone sit a few tables away, so that you have your privacy, but he can read your body language and listen if your voice starts to rise. If he sees any problems, he can come over and escort you out. If your chaperone is your ride, you have a perfect escape route. If the person you are meeting insists that you leave with him/her, then you can calmly say, “See that person over there? He is expecting to take me home. If he sees me leave with you, he will call the police to follow us.”
  8. Make a back-out arrangement. Bring your pager or cell-phone. Have your safe-call call YOU sometime during the meeting. If things are going terribly wrong, tell the person you are meeting that there is an emergency at home and you must leave immediately. Pagers work best for this, because you have to “find a pay phone” to make the call. Don’t even come back to the table.
  9. Ask to see your contact’s photo id. Do so just before your first safe call, and give your safe call your contact’s driver’s licence number. If you go missing, the police will be able to find him/her much easier with a home address to go by. If the driver’s licence looks faked, leave. You may be asked to return the favour in kind. Psychopaths are not necessarily Dominant. Do so, ONLY if you trust this person not to stalk you at your home: remember, your address is on your driver’s licence.
  10. If the meet doesn’t go well, but isn’t potentially dangerous, don’t feel pressured into arranging another meet unless you really want to give it a second try. Saying “no” is incredibly difficult for most submissives. A real Gentleman or Lady wouldn’t pressure a submissive to meet again, but if everyone were gentlemen and ladies, this safety list wouldn’t be necessary.